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Monthly Archives: September 2014

HOW TO TRAUMATIZE YOUR DOG

SAM_0307

Tonight I took my dog, and my mom’s two dogs, out for dog treats, and to run a few errands. I wanted to get the errands done fast as I only have a certain amount of time before all hell breaks loose with a car full of dogs.

I pull up to the grocery store, yank up the break, and launch myself out of the car (this is to ensure that none of the dogs escape). The seat belt yanks me back in. It yanks me so hard that now I have slid down the driver’s seat, and am at a weird angle, sort of wedged down there with the pedals. The door is wide open.

I quickly unlatch the seat belt, arms and legs flailing, as I try a second time to launch myself out of the car. I am yanked back again. I realize that my purse strap is tangled with the unlatched seat belt. Certain the dogs are about to leap over me and run to their death in the Friday night traffic I reach for the door handle with my foot.

I try to undo the purse strap/seat belt sailor’s knot and my hair gets caught. The car door is wide open. I’m yelling at the dogs to stay, yanking on my hair, reaching for the car door with my foot, and commando sliding out of the purse strap/seat belt. I kind of roll out into the parking lot and do a jump up – smooth everything down – I meant to do that – quick recovery. All three dogs have missed their chance at freedom as they are sort of immobilized in horror. I try to assure them that everything is fine but they look like the psychological trauma they have just experienced is right up there with their pre-rescue days.

On the way home I attempt to block it out. No use obsessing over how that looked to the people parked behind me. The next time anyone asks me why I don’t have kids…this answer is…. I am still working on my basic skills.

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Posted by on September 22, 2014 in Dog

 

FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE AND MONKEY PETTING

monkeys online

Posting on Facebook is like walking into a room with everyone you know and shouting:  Look at my pickles!  Watch as my kid grows progressively taller!  This dog is so cute!  I just got a job as a mountain climber in Kansas! What is your favorite band?  Look at my face – really close! Now I am somewhere far, far away waving at you from this beach!

Many of the people in the room won’t hear you.  Some will, but they will ignore you.  A handful of people will yell back – LIKE, (which is weird).  And a few people will actually respond.  Many times when those people take the time to respond they are ignored.  Imagine someone walking up to and saying: Look at this sandwich I made! You say, Wow that looks like a fantastic sandwich.  And they simply walk away.  What?  You just told me to look at your sandwich and then you ignored me when I responded?

Posting on someone’s wall is like putting in that personal effort.  It’s like walking up to someone and saying, I can’t believe you love Simply Trampolines! That’s my favorite band.  Most of the time they say something back.  Sometimes they don’t.  That’s equivalent to the blank silent stare. There it is hanging on their wall indefinitely, your effort at friendly communication, left to the crickets.

It’s hard not to listen to that inner Value-O-Meter plummeting into the screaming red zone.  Most people’s online etiquette does not come with the excruciating visualization of standing in a room with everyone they know either shouting at you or ignoring you.  I admit that this is not the healthiest way to imagine it.  It’s probably better to think of it like throwing a penny into a fountain.  You make your wish and let it go.  If your wish doesn’t come true it was just a penny right?

Sometimes I try not to respond and a ridiculous internal battle ensues.

Look, she’s petting a monkey.  That’s so cool.  I have to tell her that it’s cool.  Why should I tell her?  She knows it’s cool to pet a monkey.  Everyone else will tell her.  Why make yourself vulnerable to rejection? Keep it to yourself.  But that’s so mean.  She went out and pet that monkey.  You will regret this later.

I can’t help it. It’s like responsive Tourettes. I have to do it.  So I do.

Wow that is a really great monkey that you are petting!  LIKE!

Crickets.

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2014 in Absurd