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Monthly Archives: December 2014

STICK IT UP YOUR ASTROLOGY [how to insult people based on their sign]

In 2005 I wrote a little article called, Stick it up Your Astrology.  This article was meant for astrologers and skeptics.  Over the years it gained a bit of momentum and is the topic of various discussion groups. I want to point out that I did extensive research on this topic. In addition to reading dozens of articles and books on astrology, I spent an entire year walking up to random people and asking, “What’s the worst thing someone could say to you?” Once I was armed with an arsenal of pretty bad things I tried them out on my friends and family.  This worked out pretty well.  Thank you to all of the people who suffered through this important research. I would like to dedicate this article to Josh, my Taurus brother (I can still kick his ass at pretty much EVERYTHING, except basketball, golf and driving).

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Me and Taurus brother

Dear Friends,

I am terribly sorry for the words I am about to write.   They will leave you raw and exposed for the world to bear witness. Your secrets will be revealed.  Let go, dear soul, and walk through your shame.  I am about to bestow upon you a great gift.

Because I’m a Virgo, (that means I know everything) I thought I knew how to make my words lethal.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that compliments and insults are not universal.  How could this be?  How different are we?  I caution you. Use this knowledge wisely.  You and only you will atone for your sins.

Here’s how it works; there are many things that nobody wants to hear.  I have found that everyone has that one thing that makes them crazy.  The following are the unmentionables indicative to each sign.  If you know a person’s sun, moon, and rising signs, you will possess the trifecta of insults that should NOT, under any circumstances, EVER be uttered in their presence.

ARIES

Do you want to start something?   Partner with the competitive, courageous, pioneering and adventurous Aries.  Don’t we just love them?  They are so much fun!  They may or may not return your phone calls.  You can bet if they do, it was only because they wanted to.  No sense of obligation there.  They are completely free.  I’d hate to have to put one in jail.  It’s sometimes funny to walk up to one and say, “I’m the boss of you!”  NEVER, EVER under any circumstances tell an Aries that they are simply NOT qualified.  Please, please, if there is an ounce of love in your heart, don’t turn your back on them.  I mean literally, do not face in a direction that they are not in.

TAURUS

Need some help?  Find dependable, sensuous, prosperous and tenacious Taurus.  Relax!  They will take care of everything for you!  Don’t tell them what to do.  They are far too stubborn to do it even if they wanted to in the first place.  No, no, you must make them think everything is their idea.  Then you are sure to have a wonderful time.  Under NO circumstances should you EVER tell a Taurus that somebody else does it better.  Certainly DON’T tell a Taurus that you can do it better, (especially if they are a sibling).  They will beat you or die trying.  Having said that I still maintain that I can now and will always be able to, beat my Taurus brother at Tetris, (and many other things).

GEMINI

Feeling Lonely?  Call the curious, witty, intelligent, and adaptable Gemini.  The life of the party!  Find a crowd and Gemini will be in the center.  They are the masters of small talk.  They know a little about a lot, and probably don’t know a lot about anything.  Any story will be better when told by a Gemini.  That is, after the first time they tell it.  After the tenth time, it begins to get a little annoying.  PLEASE, I beg you, don’t tell a Gemini you are not interested in what they have to say, (even if they are talking about the weather).  No matter how bad you want to, NEVER tell a Gemini to SHUT UP!

CANCER

Are you stressed out?  Visit the sensitive, nurturing, hospitable and comforting Cancer.  Walk into their homes and it’s as if you’ve walked into a cozy vortex.  They will fluff your pillows.  They will feed you food fit for kings that they, “just whipped up.”  Their homes will be full of interesting and fascinating things.  NEVER tell a Cancer you don’t like their cooking.  For the record, to all Cancers, don’t worry, everyone loves you!  Get my point?   DON’T tell a Cancer they are not liked.  They are agoraphobic enough as it is.  No need to make it worse.

LEO

Need an ego booster?  Roll out the red carpet for the playful, romantic, lucky, and loyal Leo.  You have now become a member of the royal family.  Step into their world and Leo will make you a King or Queen.  He will give you the world and expect it in return.  Everyone should at least once in their lives have a Leo propose marriage to them.  Nobody does it better!  PAY ATTENTION, (to him I mean.)  Applaud every performance.  Throw roses, give them constant accolades, and kiss their feet!  Why not?  They’d do it for you. When Leo’s are being butt heads they NEED ATTENTION.  So please NEVER, EVER casually tell a Leo to go make themselves invisible.

VIRGO

Got a problem?  Perfection will find you in the form of the efficient, logical, honest and hygienic Virgo.  We’ll fix it, and all the other flaws, most of which you never even knew you had.  It will be for your own good!  I promise.  We are not critical.  We are simply helpful.  Yes it’s bad, very bad to tell a Virgo that they’re a mess.  Ouch!  Of course you know not to poke their tiny pooch and tell them that they are out of shape.  They eat right and do yoga every day.  Do you?   I cringe to tell you this but there are two words that will silence a Virgo and send them running for the bathroom.  You stink.  NEVER tell a Virgo they stink.

LIBRA

Need a different perspective?  Justice is here in the form of the beautiful, refined, rational, and charming Libra.  I extend to you Libra, an open invitation, to decorate my house, pick out my wardrobe, cut my hair and apply my makeup.  I thank you for always sweetly telling me when I have been an asshole.  There may be times when you want to flick fancy Libra right off those scales.  Somehow you’ll get a sense that it just wouldn’t be right.  Suddenly, you’ll strive to be a better person.  Even after they gently point out that your nose is a little crooked and are quite shocked that you had never noticed that before.  Yes, there it is.  We never want to tell a Libra that their physical appearance or anything they have touched is not absolutely aesthetically pleasing.  So NEVER tell a Libra that they are ugly.

SCORPIO

I have begun to tingle in all the right places; thanks to the secret, passionate, magic, and sexy Scorpio. Yes, the brooding and intense Scorpio.  What are they thinking about?  They’ll never tell.  Take heed, we have walked into the shadows.  We are in dangerous territory.  The thing that will make a Scorpio crazy, may very well be the thing, that causes them to silently kill you.  You’d never see it coming.  No, no, they are in too much control for that.  Here is a trick.  Something, (probably very small) will always betray a Scorpio.  Usually, it’s in the eyes.  When enraged, my mother would become unnaturally still, but her pupils would whip back and forth like a metronome on the quickest setting.  That was my cue to run.  Never try to take on a Scorpio.  NEVER tell them they are out of control.  They are ruled by passion but that is a secret.  It would be absolutely HORRIBLE of you to tell a Scorpio that they are simply, not good in bed.

SAGITTARIUS

Did you have a question?  You’ll find the answer with the philosophical, generous, optimistic, and spiritual Sagittarius.  These people will answer your questions and leave you with fifty more.  You’ll never know where you are going.  You’ll never know if you got there.  But you’ll have a hell of a time, never doing, what you were going to do in the first place.  A Sagittarius will teach you that a conversation need not be linear.  Like a map, there will be wonderful side roads, scenic routes and back alleys.  Don’t expect to return to the point.  They have a larger plan, (or so they tell me).  Knowledge is power.  So NEVER, EVER tell a Sagittarius that they are stupid.  If you find yourself in a relationship with one, “idiot” is a world you should strike from your vocabulary.

CAPRICORN

Want to invest?  Accomplishment and abundance resides with the practical, persistent, productive, and dignified Capricorn.  These are the people you want on your side.  Take their advice!  Marry them, they’ll never cheat, and they’ll bring home the bacon.  They thrive on structure.  I’d hate to be the one to tell a Capricorn the government and stock market has collapsed, and life as we know it will be absolute anarchy.  I would not want to tell them that from now on they would be forced to smear mud on themselves and dance around a bonfire naked for no good reason, (unless they have a lot of Aquarius in their chart). So of course NEVER do it.  NEVER call a Capricorn, (you guessed it), a loser.  Obviously, this goes without saying, don’t make the loser sign, (by making an L with your hand and put in on your forehead while mouthing “loser”).  That’s bad – real bad.

AQUARIUS

Just when you thought you had a handle on things in walks the strange, quirky, rebellious, and inventive Aquarius.  If you have never done psychedelic drugs, that’s ok, lock yourself in a room with five Aquarians for a day and you’ll understand what it’s like.  I have an Aquarius friend that wants to be president and she wants to have a big anarchy symbol tattooed on her throat.  Being the practical Virgo that I am, I told her she probably couldn’t do both.  Aquarius has an innate need to stand out.  They are different and they like that about themselves.  So never tell an Aquarius that they look exactly like someone you know.  NEVER, EVER tell an Aquarius that they are boring.

PISCES

We have come to the end of the road and who is there to walk you into the sweet hereafter?  It is none other than the emotional, intuitive, artistic, and psychic Pisces.  Try not to cry.  They’ll cry with you, hell they’ll cry for you.  Sing, dance, and be merry!  Read the cards.  Throw the bones.  Cast a spell, (a nice spell that is).  Paint, love, fantasize and dream.  Let them sweep you into the arms of angels.  Don’t speak of money and reality.  Listen to their music.  They will write beautiful songs for you.  For all that is right and holy in this world NEVER say to a Pisces, “Don’t quit your day job.”

CODA

There you have it, twelve bits of carefully researched ammunition.  Use them at your own risk.  The other day I found myself in a senseless, circular conversation with my Sagittarius boyfriend.  I accidentally said, “What are you talking about?  That is stupid.”

He became very still, his eyes blazed, (Scorpio moon) then he casually stuck his nose in the air and sniffed a few times.  “What?  What on earth is that smell,” he said.  “Is that you?”

“You’re still stupid!”  I said running for the shower.  As I reached for my antibacterial tea tree soap to scrub away any offending odors, I heard him yell through the bathroom door, “I’m not stupid. I have a degree in philosophy and a master’s in education.”

When it comes down to it, I can always take a shower.  You can’t wash away stupidity.

If you can’t get a person with their sun sign try their moon sign, or their rising sign.  I have a Taurus friend that told me the Taurus insult wouldn’t bother her as much as someone telling her to shut up.  She has a Gemini rising with a few planets in Gemini.  Get crafty and put together all three.  Let’s say you were getting sick of someone, me for instance.  I just won’t stop bothering you, (Virgo, Gemini moon, Scorpio rising).  There is always shut up.  If you want to pull out all the stops, I shudder to think about someone telling me that I stink and they heard that I’m not good in bed.

Love Always,

Rachel H. Palmer

-Please leave a comment and let us know if this is true for you!

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Posted by on December 9, 2014 in Absurd